39. 23. Life is always rocky when you’re a gem. I don’t know how to act my age because I’ve never been this old before. 230. 81. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. – Benjamin Franklin Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. 211. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. 28. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition. 166. – Edward A. Murphy. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. 248. You can write them down and use them whenever you’re attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. … Read More... about Participate in Research. 255. 226. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? 96. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. Why can’t you trust an atom? Additionally, Luvze.com participates in various other affiliate programs, and we sometimes get a commission through purchases made through our links. ‘Alright, get in the basket.’. “My great grandma started giggling at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny, she said “everyone here is alive because I got laid””, 40. – Gary Delaney The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. 253. 187. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Below is a list of 65 Cool Funny Christmas Sayings | Short funny Christmas Sayings to keep you Laughing until the new year. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. 1. 96. 8. Can February march? 41. 126. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 109. 15. Because they make up everything. 94. Inspirational funny quotes from movies for Facebook & Tumblr. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. 161. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. Art doesn’t transform. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 225. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. 264. Envelope. I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run. 130. “A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.”. I intend to live forever. 156. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run. I don’t go crazy, I am crazy. I tried, but they wanted cash. This collection of short funny quotes will pep up your mood and brighten up your spirit, and is bound to have you in splits! – Robert Bloch. – Flip Wilson, 263. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. “If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. 5. Subscribe To Our Newsletter! Stupid Quotes Witty Quotes. 50. 87. 36. 147. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. 26. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. 177. I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 17. 22. They tend to see the funny side of things, maintain a positive outlook on life and use humor to … My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. So far, so good. Short and funny quotes | Humorous comedy joke. 30. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. 180. “I almost gave a fuck scared the shit out myself..”, 63. 24. Don’t drink to forget me, you’ll end up seeing me double. Your email address will not be published. 15. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Just like every Monday does on Earth. 60. 142. “Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off”, 70. I have Alzheimer’s bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. You can write them down and use them whenever you’re attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. – Cindy from Marzahn Those who snore always fall asleep first. 243. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. It has nothing new to tell you. 14. 50 Funny Sayings to brighten up your day Last Updated: 8th July 2020. How is the Italian version of Christmas different? Why did the can crusher quit his job? Anonymous. I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. 4. 110. 150. “I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little asshole bit me”, 7. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. If you don’t like me, remember its mind over matter. 19. Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? 226. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. “Every time we try to eat healthily, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday or Tuesday and ruins it for us.”, 53. 265. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Send me the link. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. You wanna know who I’m in love with? 22. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? 279. When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. Humor can be used as a “buffer” against Coronavirus. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. 268. 184. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. 185. 170. How do you count cows? Ideal for Instagram or to use on Autumn greeting cards, these short Fall captions sum up the season perfectly. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. 54. 250. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 27. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. Enjoy! I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? – Bill Murray You wanna know who I’m in love with? 218. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Because it was soda pressing. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake. Read the first word again. 76. 210. 147. 206. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Life always offers you a second chance. With so much humor in the world, we’ve collected some hilarious life quotes from a wide range of funny quotes. The library, because it has so many stories. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry. The only power you have is the word ‘no’. People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it. So I threw a coconut on his face. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. 7. It makes them so damned mad. Can February march? Never test how deep the water is with both feet. If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 60 Short & Funny Motivational Quotes. A gummy bear. 173. “I didn’t sleep well last night so I made my coffee this morning with red bull instead of water. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 132. Just like every Monday does on Earth. 171. “Life is not a fairy tale. 63. But you can always be immature. Enjoy! 214. I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it. What is Mozart doing right now? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? “Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.”, 12. 25. 99. Nov 23, 2020 - Explore Nicole Newell | All Things FUN's board "Funny Quotes and Sayings", followed by 8038 people on Pinterest. You definitely don’t want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! 23. You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. 45. Easy to read a list of the most hilarious phrases ever spoken. There’s life without Facebook and internet? Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 197. Then walk into a pole.”, 55. A gummy bear. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”. Never take life seriously. – Ken Dodd, 255. “You call them swear words. 204. ”The worst gift is a fruitcake. 247. 120. 236. You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death. 191. 109. 93. 134. The hilarious moment always memorable in life. 178. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see. 3. 193. 92. Really? If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. “Me: I’m going to bed early tonight. – A. 180. 216. 76. Funny Short Sayings. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? “My friend thinks he s smart. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. 125. 25. 118. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. – Unknown. 75. 199. – Henny Youngman, 246. 18. – Robert A. Heinlein, 243. – Stuart Turner 161. Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. 19. 59. I enjoy every minute of it. I wish my wallet came with free refills. I tell you what always catches my eye. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. “Do you know why birds sing in the mornings? 86. 55. I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 87. ~ Steven Wright~ I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am. Relax, it’s the weekend, just don’t blink or it will be all over. 61. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. “Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.”, 18. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? 121. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. 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